Reflection

I have been back in Maine now for 4 months. Generally, I'm doing well. I have a good job that pushes me to continually learn and where my coworkers believe in and trust my abilities. I see friends on a fairly regular basis and am not alone much. I have my cat back, and therefore get cuddles and love from him. I'm also going to the gym pretty regularly and have lost about ten pounds since leaving Alabama.

But, somehow I still feel myself swaying and sinking consistently. I sway between wanting to date and wanting to isolate myself. I'm not sure where this comes from. I certainly would enjoy being in love again and having a connection that nourishes that, but somehow I can't seem to shake the feeling that I am too cold for it to happen. Like, for some reason I don't deserve it. I've grown numb to feelings and generally lack interest in a lot of things. Where has my passion gone?

It bothers me that people are surprised by the fact that I have a profile on a dating site. It bothers me more when someone says something along the lines of "every guy wants you". I don't see why people think so highly of me or expect me to be easily taken. I try to be open to the idea of a connection with anyone. I try to be open to the idea of being loved. But, maybe I'm not. Maybe I'm totally closed off. Perhaps I'm far too guarded. Have I become so jaded?

Am I expecting too much? Am I trying too hard? Am I not trying hard enough?

I feel like I'm destined to be alone forever. I don't know that my life will ever amount to more than what it is right now.

I don't want someone to make me their second choice. But, I also don't want to be on any sort of pedestal. I want to be someone's equal. Why is this so difficult?

I'm constantly struggling with my depression. Mixed emotions.

My heart breaks over and over again. Without any effort. It just happens.
Am I drowning by my past catching up to me? Am I losing my grip due to my lack of communication?

I'm hardly ever genuinely happy. And the fact that I know happiness is up to me, just makes the situation worse.
Why do I do this to myself? How do I break free?

Mental illness.

I have suffered from depression for I don't even know how long. At least since my early adolescence. It took me a while to figure out that's what it was, but I realized it.
I didn't actually get diagnosed until almost two years ago. I was prescribed Prozac. And it seemed to help. Although I wasn't able to stay on it for long due to money and my lack of insurance.
Throughout it all I have lacked an understanding of my personal depression. Which of my emotional issues stem from it? What's the best way to deal with it? Does my need for attention come from it or some other issue?
I've always wanted a therapist but again, could never afford it. Still can't. I've spoken to a one or two on a free basis but since it was never a "pressing issue" they didn't have much to offer me. And I didn't really know how to get the help I needed, or need.

I don't know where to go or what to do about it.

I keep hoping I can cure my emotional ailments with art, or personal growth, but so far it hasn't done much.

I guess I'll keep trying.

Changes Coming.

So, I haven't exactly been doing well with my plan.
About ten days into P90x I strained a muscle in my leg and had to stop working out until it healed.
When that happened I decided to put the program off altogether.
Why? Because I was to travel to Maine for 3 weeks just two weeks after my injury.
So, I went to Maine and all was well. It seemed like I lost 5 lbs just being up there and active. I was so busy that I hardly had time to overeat. It was a good thing.
Unfortunately, just 4 days after I returned from Maine, my Oma died.
Its been exactly two weeks since she passed and it hasn't been easy.
I gave up on any dieting or caring for about ten days.
Completely ate my feelings. As I tend to do.
It didn't help that all of my extended family was here for the arrangements and support of the loss.

The only positive thing about this time is that I've had the opportunity to make plans for my next big change. Or, changes really. I have a huge plan that I will be implementing once I get back to Maine.
Yes, I said back to Maine. I'm moving back in two weeks. I cannot wait.

The outline of some of my plans.

-quit smoking
-replace coffee with green tea in the morning
-buy mason jars to store fresh foods better
-get my roommate into the same mindset and keep junk foods out of the house
-eat way less red meat
-no fast food
-minimize starches and processed foods all together
-exercise every other day for a month with no gym
-in November restart P90x


 So far I have two people who have said they'll quit smoking with me, so it'll be a little easier.
I think it'll be easier for me just because it is so much more expensive in Maine and I'll be busier so I won't want to smoke as much.

I also have at least 3 people who have said they'll work out with me and keep me motivated.
This is key.

I really don't like how I look anymore and am determined to change it.
I'm going to take my body back and make it want I want it to be.






This blog is no longer going to just be about my fitness, but my overall health.
I'm going to try to keep tabs on my back pain levels.
As well as my mental health.

Right now, I feel as though I'm in limbo. Everything is just slow moving and boring because I'm just waiting for the move to get here. Waking up has been difficult. I just haven't wanted to. A majority of my purpose here disappeared when my Oma died. My depression has been yo-yoing.
Which brings me to something else I'm looking forward to. Getting back on my medications.
Prozac and Ritalin. It'll probably be a few more months, because I need to get insurance figured out, but it's going to happen. I know both will help me stay motivated and to accomplish everything I want to accomplish.

There are a lot of changes coming up, and I honestly cannot wait.

Fell off, but I'm back.

I fell off the work out wagon shortly after my last post. About a week ago I started walking almost everyday.
Two weeks ago I got the P90X program. Unfortunately, I also got a whiplash injury, or what I think was whiplash, I never went to the doctor. But it was from a roller coaster.
I've been staying on top of dieting for the most part though. I'm not counting calories or anything, but I am keeping my portions down and eating healthier.

Today I started P90X. I weighed in at 198.5.
I need to get a measuring tape so I know my measurements. I also need to get push up bars cause my wrists kill me without.
I am finally fully committed to this. And I won't stop until I succeed.
This is a lifestyle change and I'm ready.

Gaining control.

I'm beginning to get into the habit of my diet. I've become better about resisting things and portion control.

I've lost 2 lbs. Its not much, but, it's a start.

I will keep this up and reach my goal.

Such a slacker.

I'm such a slacker.
I haven't been to the gym in quite a few days.
That doesn't mean I haven't worked out though.
I've still be using my speed rope and doing little exercises here at home.
And, I've been watching what I've been eating.
I'm pretty hungry at the end of most days, so I guess I'm doing it right. Haha.

I'm gonna have to harass the trainer at the gym again to try and get some time with him. He was supposed to call me to set something up, but it's been almost 2 weeks and I haven't heard from him.

I think my stomach is getting a little tighter.
And my legs, well, my calves are certainly tighter.
Unfortunately, my shins have been killing me since I started jump roping.
I'm not sure how to remedy it.
Don't know if I should push through it and they'll get used to it, or if I should stop and not do it.
For now, I'm going with pushing through.

Feeling Alright

Yesterday went pretty well.
According to my LoseIt app on my phone, the calories that I ate, which wasn't much, plus the exercise that I did left me a majority of the calories for the day.

Today, has been alright.
Although I did eat chinese food for lunch, I ate a small amount, and did 15 minutes of jump roping.
I'm going to go outside and do another 15 minutes soon.

Jump roping is fucking hard!
It's a crazy cardio workout. And it wears me out quick. But, it's good. Hopefully as time passes it'll get easier on my lungs. The only thing thats gonna be bad is the fact that it's going to get hotter and more humid, which is gonna be a problem. I'm not sure how I'm gonna manage to jump rope outside and I don't have anywhere else to do it.

Took my multivitamin today and have been drinking lots of water. Getting a little hungry now.
I'm thinking a trailmix bar.