I have been back in Maine now for 4 months. Generally, I'm doing well. I have a good job that pushes me to continually learn and where my coworkers believe in and trust my abilities. I see friends on a fairly regular basis and am not alone much. I have my cat back, and therefore get cuddles and love from him. I'm also going to the gym pretty regularly and have lost about ten pounds since leaving Alabama.
But, somehow I still feel myself swaying and sinking consistently. I sway between wanting to date and wanting to isolate myself. I'm not sure where this comes from. I certainly would enjoy being in love again and having a connection that nourishes that, but somehow I can't seem to shake the feeling that I am too cold for it to happen. Like, for some reason I don't deserve it. I've grown numb to feelings and generally lack interest in a lot of things. Where has my passion gone?
It bothers me that people are surprised by the fact that I have a profile on a dating site. It bothers me more when someone says something along the lines of "every guy wants you". I don't see why people think so highly of me or expect me to be easily taken. I try to be open to the idea of a connection with anyone. I try to be open to the idea of being loved. But, maybe I'm not. Maybe I'm totally closed off. Perhaps I'm far too guarded. Have I become so jaded?
Am I expecting too much? Am I trying too hard? Am I not trying hard enough?
I feel like I'm destined to be alone forever. I don't know that my life will ever amount to more than what it is right now.
I don't want someone to make me their second choice. But, I also don't want to be on any sort of pedestal. I want to be someone's equal. Why is this so difficult?
I'm constantly struggling with my depression. Mixed emotions.
My heart breaks over and over again. Without any effort. It just happens.
Am I drowning by my past catching up to me? Am I losing my grip due to my lack of communication?
I'm hardly ever genuinely happy. And the fact that I know happiness is up to me, just makes the situation worse.
Why do I do this to myself? How do I break free?
